Getting Personal

It’s been a while since I created a blog post. I’ve been quiet lately and recently started revising my book, “Leaving Loneliness Behind,” which I self-published in 2020. When I first published my book, I titled it Overcoming the Spirit of Suicide and later changed the title to what it is currently. I put a lot of time into it back then, but I must admit I held back. I did not write my personal stories to help readers gain more insight into what I was trying to get across in my book.

So much happened in my life, especially since my family had abandoned me, that it brought me to the brink of disparity. My book does have scriptural references, but the intent of “Leaving Loneliness Behind” isn’t written to persuade anyone to convert but instead to share insight regarding my experiences. I hold the belief that everyone has the right to believe or not to believe in anything they wish. Plus, I ask any prospective reader to consider that even though I had painful past experiences, I chose to express myself through written expression instead of physically acting them out. I ask possible readers to give my book a chance since I intend to encourage something positive instead of something destructive.

Within a couple of months, possibly three, I will be relaunching my book, and this time, it will be full of personal experiences and much more thought-provoking. I will discuss the issues of child abuse I endured, how I reacted and how I treated my family while growing up. I will also describe and share my experiences with falsely being accused of domestic violence and dealing with parental alienation. Also, I’ll write about my frustration about how a church that my brother and mother attend encourages separation instead of teaching the love of Christ by prioritizing their church doctrine over relationships. Honestly, I hope I am wrong regarding such a thing about a church, but we shall see. Even when I tried calling adult services because I thought my mother might be experiencing some abuse by my brother, I felt stonewalled by them too.

“Leaving Loneliness Behind” is a life-long journey, and before my book even became a thought and brought into existence, I ran away from home in 2010 and tried to start over somewhere else. When I ran away and started over, I became a small church member at that point in my life. Despite being baptized and accepting Christ as my savior, I still ate for comfort, abused alcohol, smoked cigarettes, and toward the end, I even abused drugs like marijuana. When I could no longer hide from my pain, I broke down and threatened self-harm and then spent 12 days in the hospital.

In my journey with loneliness, I’ve been slowly getting myself back together and recently earned two certificates in the Fundamentals of Accounting I and II. I am feeling much more optimistic, and things in my life are getting better!! This coming week of July 2022, I will be taking an editor’s course to sharpen my skills and help other writers in their journey. Plus, I will learn some other lessons that will help me build an online business since I would like to have my own small publishing company.

Please follow my blog and help me stay encouraged; your comments and suggestions will help me greatly in my journey, which I lovingly share with you, the reader.



The Dream

What wakes a man up from sleep at three in the morning to write a blog post? Was it a dream about him trying to reunite with his family that had abandoned him and condemned him to loneliness? What did he say in his dream that woke him up so early in the morning that he had to grab his laptop to create this post?

Usually during this time in December as the Christmas holiday approaches I’m haunted by the fact that my family had abandoned me. I try not to let it get me down although it does bother me and makes me quite sad. I even struggled with myself to write this entry as I feel conflicted with thoughts that many may not even care and that no one will bother to read it. Either way I’m fine.

With the recent tornado of December 2021 many people have lost their lives. Homes and businesses were destroyed and Covid-19 has claimed almost 800,000 lives. My dream that woke me up at three this morning was about my family issues but when I woke up the thought of death and destruction caused by the recent tornado and all the death caused by Covid-19 was on my mind and in my heart. The dream and the issues are connected and they are connected by one thing. Anyone that reads this will think automatically that the connection is hope. Then my question is what is hope and why does it exist?

Hope exists in the middle of chaos and grief and it’s a doorway for love. A doorway for unconditional love that is seriously forgiving. A kind of love that doesn’t expect anything in return nor expect anyone to change. It’s like a nurse in the intensive care unit of the hospital that is overwhelmed and overworked by covid patients. The nurse will still hold each patient’s hand while they take their last breath so they won’t feel alone as they pass. Such nurses demonstrate unconditional love even to patients that refuse to wear a mask or get vaccinated.

Unconditional love gives people hope in the middle of chaos. Strangers from all over the United States will travel to the areas that were destroyed by the tornado. These strangers filled with unconditional love look past skin color, gender, politics, and even religion. Unconditional love looks past everything negative and just sees the beauty in people.

In my dream I was trying to reach out to my mother and brother who haven’t talked to me in real life since 2014. I dreamt that I was surrounded by them and the pastor of their church whom I never met in real life. I asked my brother how many times did Jesus say to forgive someone and he answered seventy times seven. Then I said that’s true and then added that every time you forgive someone it gives the person you forgive a new clean slate every time. In the dream he walked away and my mother walked away too. I fell to my knees crying and then landed on my back. It hurt me that my mother and brother seem not to know about unconditional love. Then in the dream my mother and brother came back and he said that he forgave me. I tried to get up and their pastor helped me back to my feet. It was hope that woke me up at three this morning.


The Candy Dish

Holidays should be a memorable and loving experience for families, friends and for the everyday people that pass by each day that are rarely greeted anymore with a kind nod and smile. There should always be a beginning, middle and an end to every holiday especially a holiday like Christmas. Lately, it seems that Christmas is rushed and the focus tends to be more on buying gifts because for some reason that equates to love. Will the latest tech gadget under the Christmas tree make a long lasting memorable experience that will be talked about for generations to come? What will connect others to the warm holiday memories?

When I was a young boy I noticed that my mother loved the holidays especially when we would have special visitors like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. She would clean the house from top to bottom encouraging my father to help her. She told my brother and I that Santa Claus wouldn’t be happy nor leave any gifts under the tree if our place wasn’t cleaned. My poor father took the brunt of those cleanings especially one year when my mother convinced him to clean our carpets with some kind of carpet cleaner and a scrub brush. Dear old dad was on his hands and knees coughing and scrubbing. The coughing might had been due to some allergen in the carpet cleaner not because the place was dirty nor filthy but the place had to be cleaned for Santa. Sometimes I wondered why my mother never made such a fuss for the tooth fairy then I realized the tooth fairy doesn’t have a holiday like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

After all the cleaning and coughing was completed, my parents went upstairs to their bedroom closet to get the boxes of holiday decorations, the artificial Christmas tree, and the box of blinking lights. When they placed all the boxes on the floor in the living room my brother and I were advantageous to help. We grabbed various Christmas decals from one box and leapt on and off furniture with joy as we hung them up around the living room!! My Father concentrated on setting up the tree while my mother sat in her chair with the strands of blinking lights. Sometimes they were tangled in the little box that she kept them in but she patiently unraveled them before plugging them in to see if they worked. Once the lights were plugged in she sat there and waited to see if they started blinking. If one of the blinker lights didn’t blink she grabbed another one from the box and replaced it. Dad took his time with the tree because he usually confused himself with where the branches were to be placed on its pole. Sure the ends of the branches were colored coded to match the pole of the tree but some branches didn’t have color and some spots of the tree didn’t have the right colors altogether.

While everyone seemed occupied with getting things ready for Inspector Santa my eyes concentrated on a small plastic white bowl that sat on top of a small tv tray stand by my father’s chair. Usually the little white bowl had snacks or treats in it and my father wasn’t one to eat such things all in one sitting. Since it was the Christmas season the small plastic white bowl contained what would be now referred to as, “Old fashioned Christmas candy.” I would nonchalantly sit in my father’s chair and tried my best to sneak a piece of candy from my father’s candy dish. As my hand was over the candy dish my mother would say, “I’m watching you!” I pulled my hand back quickly and pretended that I wasn’t doing anything as my father turned to look at me. When his attention returned back to the Christmas tree I waited to be certain that no one was looking. Again I stretched my hand over the candy dish to try to get a piece of candy. My father then looked over his shoulder at me as I quickly dropped my hand on the arm of the chair and pretended once more that I wasn’t up to anything.

To me those treats in the candy dish were and still are my favorite holiday candies of all time. Some were filled and others weren’t and the thing I remember best is that after eating them I had candy stuck in my teeth. It was fun digging candy from my teeth and my fingers were sticky because of it. Sometimes my father had ribbon candy in his candy dish too. Ribbon candy definitely made my fingers sticky and that got stuck in my teeth as well. Those moments are what I cherish most about Christmas and I enjoy sharing such fond and loving memories with you the reader. What is your most favorite loving memory of Christmas? Please comment below. Remember, you are loved and appreciated!!!