Getting Personal

It’s been a while since I created a blog post. I’ve been quiet lately and recently started revising my book, “Leaving Loneliness Behind,” which I self-published in 2020. When I first published my book, I titled it Overcoming the Spirit of Suicide and later changed the title to what it is currently. I put a lot of time into it back then, but I must admit I held back. I did not write my personal stories to help readers gain more insight into what I was trying to get across in my book.

So much happened in my life, especially since my family had abandoned me, that it brought me to the brink of disparity. My book does have scriptural references, but the intent of “Leaving Loneliness Behind” isn’t written to persuade anyone to convert but instead to share insight regarding my experiences. I hold the belief that everyone has the right to believe or not to believe in anything they wish. Plus, I ask any prospective reader to consider that even though I had painful past experiences, I chose to express myself through written expression instead of physically acting them out. I ask possible readers to give my book a chance since I intend to encourage something positive instead of something destructive.

Within a couple of months, possibly three, I will be relaunching my book, and this time, it will be full of personal experiences and much more thought-provoking. I will discuss the issues of child abuse I endured, how I reacted and how I treated my family while growing up. I will also describe and share my experiences with falsely being accused of domestic violence and dealing with parental alienation. Also, I’ll write about my frustration about how a church that my brother and mother attend encourages separation instead of teaching the love of Christ by prioritizing their church doctrine over relationships. Honestly, I hope I am wrong regarding such a thing about a church, but we shall see. Even when I tried calling adult services because I thought my mother might be experiencing some abuse by my brother, I felt stonewalled by them too.

“Leaving Loneliness Behind” is a life-long journey, and before my book even became a thought and brought into existence, I ran away from home in 2010 and tried to start over somewhere else. When I ran away and started over, I became a small church member at that point in my life. Despite being baptized and accepting Christ as my savior, I still ate for comfort, abused alcohol, smoked cigarettes, and toward the end, I even abused drugs like marijuana. When I could no longer hide from my pain, I broke down and threatened self-harm and then spent 12 days in the hospital.

In my journey with loneliness, I’ve been slowly getting myself back together and recently earned two certificates in the Fundamentals of Accounting I and II. I am feeling much more optimistic, and things in my life are getting better!! This coming week of July 2022, I will be taking an editor’s course to sharpen my skills and help other writers in their journey. Plus, I will learn some other lessons that will help me build an online business since I would like to have my own small publishing company.

Please follow my blog and help me stay encouraged; your comments and suggestions will help me greatly in my journey, which I lovingly share with you, the reader.



The Dream

What wakes a man up from sleep at three in the morning to write a blog post? Was it a dream about him trying to reunite with his family that had abandoned him and condemned him to loneliness? What did he say in his dream that woke him up so early in the morning that he had to grab his laptop to create this post?

Usually during this time in December as the Christmas holiday approaches I’m haunted by the fact that my family had abandoned me. I try not to let it get me down although it does bother me and makes me quite sad. I even struggled with myself to write this entry as I feel conflicted with thoughts that many may not even care and that no one will bother to read it. Either way I’m fine.

With the recent tornado of December 2021 many people have lost their lives. Homes and businesses were destroyed and Covid-19 has claimed almost 800,000 lives. My dream that woke me up at three this morning was about my family issues but when I woke up the thought of death and destruction caused by the recent tornado and all the death caused by Covid-19 was on my mind and in my heart. The dream and the issues are connected and they are connected by one thing. Anyone that reads this will think automatically that the connection is hope. Then my question is what is hope and why does it exist?

Hope exists in the middle of chaos and grief and it’s a doorway for love. A doorway for unconditional love that is seriously forgiving. A kind of love that doesn’t expect anything in return nor expect anyone to change. It’s like a nurse in the intensive care unit of the hospital that is overwhelmed and overworked by covid patients. The nurse will still hold each patient’s hand while they take their last breath so they won’t feel alone as they pass. Such nurses demonstrate unconditional love even to patients that refuse to wear a mask or get vaccinated.

Unconditional love gives people hope in the middle of chaos. Strangers from all over the United States will travel to the areas that were destroyed by the tornado. These strangers filled with unconditional love look past skin color, gender, politics, and even religion. Unconditional love looks past everything negative and just sees the beauty in people.

In my dream I was trying to reach out to my mother and brother who haven’t talked to me in real life since 2014. I dreamt that I was surrounded by them and the pastor of their church whom I never met in real life. I asked my brother how many times did Jesus say to forgive someone and he answered seventy times seven. Then I said that’s true and then added that every time you forgive someone it gives the person you forgive a new clean slate every time. In the dream he walked away and my mother walked away too. I fell to my knees crying and then landed on my back. It hurt me that my mother and brother seem not to know about unconditional love. Then in the dream my mother and brother came back and he said that he forgave me. I tried to get up and their pastor helped me back to my feet. It was hope that woke me up at three this morning.


Cut Off By Those Who Love

From the murder of George Floyd to the acquittal of Kyle Rittenhouse and to the worldwide protests regarding masks and vaccinations it’s definitely apparent that people of the world are dangerously divided. The reason is that people want to be right! Some people would rather kill others than to be wrong. Murdering others isn’t limited to shooting others with assault rifles or pressing ones knee  into someone’s throat then claiming self-defense or killing others by refusing to wear masks or foregoing vaccinations in the face of being and having rights! Is protecting one’s rights and the need to be right now an act of self-defense?
The whole world is currently distracted and stirred by so much confusion and are driven by the necessity to be right and to protect their rights that other people’s lives no longer matter to them. They don’t even care about the lives of their own family. One don’t need an assault weapon to kill someone they love because to them love is their lethal weapon. Since love is more powerful than any made man weapon it can either create life or destroy it. For the most part it looks like weaponizing love in the form of abuse is the foundation that so many wish to protect because the believe they’re right. 
How can love be used as a weapon to murder family and friends? The tactic is simple, “I’ll love you when you’re good and I won’t love you when you’re bad.” In other words those that suffer from abuse often find themselves being alienated and isolated by their family. When people might face abandonment with the possibility of being cut off by those who love them, they will feel judged and condemned. Their loved ones will look past their poor attitudes and harmful behaviors that contributed to their conflicts. They will also believe that they haven’t done anything wrong. Abandonment can cause so much pain that it could lead someone to lose their will to live. They could possibly shut down and stop trying to lead a healthy productive life or they could hurt themselves by ending it altogether. Abandonment is cutting someone off from receiving love. Denying love is how love becomes a lethal weapon. Abandonment is an outward expression that demonstrates that one does not care if their loved one lives or dies. Abandonment also indicates the message that, “I’m right and you’re wrong.” 
In my book, “Leaving Loneliness Behind: The Essential Guide That Encourages You That Your Life Is Not a Mistake. Find Your Destiny and Purpose By Overcoming The Suicide Spirit“, I take abandonment deeper by sharing that whatever is true on the inside is also true on the outside and vice versa. It is a reflection of what is happening in a person’s life. This idea also connects to the the need to be right and killing others to protect that right while hiding behind the claim that it’s self-defense. So in other words how people hurt others in the streets it’s also how they hurt each other at home. What’s true on the inside is true on the outside.
People don’t love each other. After Kyle Rittenhouse was acquitted instead of showing remorse that he killed two people all he said was “The jury reached the correct verdict. Self-defense is not illegal. And I believe they came to the correct verdict and I’m glad that everything went well….”